Sitting on the cement stoop of my little house in the city in my polka dress (some fashion statements never go away) eating pixie sticks and thinking about how imperfect everything was I smiled. The smile came from a pact I created at that very moment of misery. Some people make promises, but I was so serious about my goal I created a rule that I would only show up in life with my best foot forward! I thought I was a genius because everyone around me was falling apart and clearly not showing the best of who they were. It was Summer 1989, and my new sugar infused power pact with myself was all about being perfect in front of the world. My idea was not *just* a promise, but a perfect and fruitful lifestyle. At that very moment, I grew up, and I was only 9. I couldn’t wait to be better than everyone else. I knew it was my duty to be everything different than my current surroundings and I started building a life that reflected the perfect outcome. In fact, I remember being so ready to conquer the game of life that I asked my mum when I was allowed to move out and become an adult. I let her know I was ready immediately. Lol!
Fast forward ten years later and I was already moved out and in the workforce proving myself to the world. We never really have the patience to live in today and to breathe in the air of our current reality, do we? I had so many goals and was knocking things like college degrees and fancy titles off my life list like I was Muhammed Ali of the office life! I became one of the youngest assistants promoted to manager at Rolling Stone and had tried almost every sport, modeled, played the cello, learning about every significant person ever, and accomplished any and all art techniques out there. I come to life with a fearless strut, and a laser focused energy. I was training myself to be amazing, so I thought. I was doing things that my family was never meant to achieve. Our status was a bit more mundane, and I always made sure to hide that as best I could. I should have been feeling great because that was the plan. But, all I could think about most of the time was how no one really knew me, and I was exhausted from being spectacular all the time. It is kind of weird writing about this by the way! It feels as if I am telling a story about someone else. She was scared, fearful, and didn’t like anything; but no one knew that, and it was her job to make sure it stayed that way. Out in the world, she (me) was meant to be seen as perfect. (Whatever that meant!)
Through all my wins, I always felt like a failure. I never even went to my college graduation. There were always flaws and always a disappointment with every step I took. It wasn’t easy being me and at some point, the idea of taking a drink after work or during rough times became routine. Everyone needs to let off a bit of steam, right?! Well, after the economy crashed in 2008 I lost my job, and that was like losing my identity. I no longer was the cool girl who worked at Rolling Stone or the bread winner. I lost everything including my home. I felt like I was turning to vapor and would soon be blown away by a strong wind. All I had left was me, and I did not know who I was anymore. I had indeed created a monster who was obsessed with showing up in life in the “perfect” way. I wasn’t even sure what the definition of perfect meant to me anymore and it was getting harder to succeed. In fact, I mostly failed myself, my family and the world for a while during this part of my story.
At some point, we found a little place in the country, and I sat and listened to the wind a lot. I would watch the trees move around and see the clouds float by and think about how it would feel to be a bird up there free from the all the troubles and bad decisions I made. I went cold and in essence, quit my life for a while. All I wanted to do was listen to nature and be. I started dressing down and not wearing makeup. I mean, you don’t have to get dressed up for the deer, do you?! Ha! At some point during this year long meditation, I decided that I hated everything that I had been doing which felt overwhelming. When you build your entire life around a concept and philosophy that all of a sudden doesn’t work, it seems like a black hole. Everything became super scary because I was about to let the world in on a secret…. that I am not perfect and I am okay with that. I thought the world would reject me, but at this point of my story I was a shooting star, and I was on fire and being shot through the sky whether they liked it or not! Yep, and of course, I knew that I would fail and no one would like the real me. I was wrong.
So who is this “real” me?
She is a macaroni eating flirt that laughs and jokes around all the time lounging in her unicorn pajamas outside on the deck with her movie star sunglasses, jazz playing, dog hair on her shirt with an oversized cup of gourmet coffee. I am clumsy sometimes (okay all the time), and I would rather be laying in the grass with my shoes off with my family around and picking tomatoes and peppers out of the garden than just about anything else. I make mistakes all the time and don’t embarrass easily thanks to my past life. I eat too much candy and love watching old movies into the night when I probably should be reading about philosophy, working, or learning about important world events. I have skin problems and weight issues I hide and am currently trying to solve. I don’t care about material things as much as I used to but cannot have enough crystals around my house. I fear bees, flies, and mosquitos and will over react around them! I don’t follow the rules hardly ever and can be a total control freak. Ha! I was once was vegan for a couple of weeks but can’t help but to love a big steak and potatoes dinner. Hey, I am from Michigan people, we eat steak here. Even though I am in love my media company and all the amazing things I do, I dream about being an athlete in the Olympics. (dreams can come true for anyone who puts in the works even if they are closer to 40 than they’ve ever been. Lol!) Most of all, I love to have fun and create an exciting atmosphere.
The cool thing is that I would NEVER have gotten to a place of knowing and accepting the true blue me had I not created that first Facebook account. I always thought social media was not for someone like me. I was private. But the truth is, I was private because I held onto many fears and the impossible pact I made long ago that I would only show the perfect side of me. When I began revealing layer by layer who I am and what I am all about, I found women from around the world who accepted the entire package. They love the goofy, the serious, the mistakes, the experiments, all the good and the bad. And that still floors me to this day that I sit and write my story down.
But why did I finally decide to show every facet of who I am? Great question! Little by little as I revealed my essence to the world, my soul path became evident, and my purpose grew in strength. I knew that I wanted to service women entrepreneurs by helping them achieve visibility and empowerment through brand identity. I knew that I was an artist and began to create again. I found lifelong friends who support me and a global media company that is fun and filled with everything that sustains me personally and professionally. The more I embrace and share who I am and what I do, the more successful I become. In the past, my success always felt like a room with the walls closing in and a ceiling that never budged. Now, the sky’s the limit, and I feel like the bird in the sky I watched for hours among the clouds with only possibilities instead of worries and doubt.
Are you hiding behind a bunch of requirements, rules, and ideals, that you believe will show off the most perfect representation of who you are and create the life you are dreaming of? Maybe it is time to breath and experience what it is like to be in love with who you are. I am not saying this is simple but planting the seed is a start. Begin by simply logging into Facebook today and live-streaming with the intention of just being you and saying hello to the world in all your imperfect perfection.
My advice: It is absofuckinglutely okay to grow in front of the world.